The Journey begins
It started with work stress, I am a Social Worker who took on over and above my quota of responsibility, working in a crisis service, mentoring a student, while studying to become a Practice Educator. These responsibilities were much more than I was able to tolerate. Signs of stress started in April 2013 with what I did not recognise at first were heart palpitations / panic attacks.
July 2013 I woke up with unexplained double vision which started the trips to the GP and Moorfields Hospital. Weeks of consultation and little action led to my downward spiral, my psychological health was being sacrificed due to work pressure and lack of explanation about my visual problems.
I entered into the realm of sleep deprivation, anxiety, not being able to eat, poor support from my then partner. I ended up being away from work for 4 months, spending thousands of pounds on tests, endless appointments, heavily dependent on my close friends and family – who I am so grateful for.
My worse decision was to commence medication given to me by my GP who I trusted to do the right thing by me.
The medication depersonalised me, took away my emotional expression and left me completely numb, just so that I could sleep. Sleep…hmm I would enter into the world of terror and hallucinations from which I would wake up from exhausted. When I told my GP what was happening, I was told that for me to have this experience means that I was sleeping which is what I wanted!!!!!
This wasn’t for me at all, so I stopped, not knowing the withdrawal syndrome I would suffer would lead to the worst suicidal thoughts. I have known in my life. This was horrific and un-natural for me. A and E trips after collapsing, more sleep deprivation, heart palpitations and fear of being left alone was the result.
The days that followed resulted in me being given various sedatives and anti-anxiety drugs, which when I withdrew would start my cycle of anxiety over again.
A Private Consultant within a week arranged tests and had results to hand regarding my visual problems and started me on anxiety meds again due to my exhaustion from lack of sleep.
During this phase of my journey I knew that medication truly was not my answer, I needed help on a psychological and human level.